The monks taught this long ago: healing is not climbing a ladder. It is learning to sit beside your brokenness without flinching. Some days you will speak. Some days you will shake. Both are holy. Progress is not the absence of pain. It is the presence of compassion for the parts still in pain. Rest. Rise again. You are walking the path.
This is such a beautiful look at the inner workings of therapy, dear Salwa. Thank you so much for sharing.
Based on what I just learned from your very raw but real piece, to even 'show up' at therapy requires courage. So in my mind, to simply show is an achievement on its own that deserves to be celebrated as a win.
Your article also makes me think about a different level of this... maybe one day you'll write about it? It's this...
I originate from Africa/West Africa, and truth be told there are unthinkable levels and instances of trauma and dysfunction in our culture. Yet somehow we tend to place a stigma on therapy... You know, think of the need to attend it as a weakness, something to be ashamed about?
So we end up 'bequeathing' our trauma and dysfunction to subsequent generations... and worse end up normalizing it. I wonder why. Why do we put such a negative connotation to something that has the potential to help us... Just a thought 🤔.
A million times! I've seen positive changes in myself and my ability to handle things differently. And I have wondered many times why it isn't all healed. It's unrealistic to think we can heal a lifetime of trauma in an hour a week. Now, I know I must do my practices for a quieter nervous system everyday.
This, like nearly everything I read of yours, speaks to my own experience.
I've had days where I thought I've regressed like I never had therapy at all, especially if I have bouts of explosive anger. They make me feel so ashamed afterwards. They're usually not aimed at anyone, just rage fits over situations, and it's enough to wonder why they still happen if therapy is working.
However, I'm doing better at examining to diagnose patterns that caused them and trying to address those so the frequency decreases. That step is something I didn't take before and it's progress.
There are other examples but it's just further confirmation of what you wrote. Therapy better equips to manage the challenges, we're not transformed in a way that they never happen again or suddenly aren't challenges. Thanks for writing this, and I'm restacking it because this piece deserves more love, likes and eyeballs.
Thank you for this, Salwa, this lovely reminder of what therapy is, and what it isn’t.
We have been in therapy for our DID for 31 years now. Of course, the first 10 years of that time period don’t really count, because we were misdiagnosed for those 10 years. Unfortunately, that’s not an uncommon experience for those of us with DID. And let me tell you, going through 10 years of therapy under a misdiagnosis is truly Hell. Those years made us worse instead of better.
But in the 21 years since then, we have made a lot of positive progress. But a lot of times, we struggle with thinking “Why is it taking so long? Are we not trying hard enough?” We have had some friends tell us that we should be done by now, that we are only still going because we are “addicted” to therapy. Sometimes, we’re afraid that they might be right.
But the thing is, with a DID system of 74 alters (and believe it or not, we have met other systems who have a LOT more alters than we do!), it’s not that easy to just decide that we are “done” with therapy. We may seem to be doing “fine”, but that’s because there are about 15-20 or so of us who have done enough work on our trauma that we can function reasonably well. For a lot of the others, they have hardly done any work at all. And for someone with DID, those hidden parts of ourselves have names, and faces. Many of them are children. We have learned that in the IFS (internal family systems) mode of therapy, these hidden parts are called “The Exiles”, and that breaks our heart. We feel like we have failed them.
So, thank you for this gentle reminder that we are not bad, or “doing therapy wrong.” Even now, as I type these words, I struggle to believe that. But therapy is a process, and it’s one that we may never be done with, and maybe that’s okay…Maybe?
Like I said, I’m struggling with this, but still, thank you. Not only for this article, but for all of your gentle, kind, supportive words.
I have totally felt like therapy wasn't working... But that's because it began to feel like it was a way to outsource my problems and not take accountability for myself and my mental world. I joined a group that was focused on shadow work and parts work and that's where things began to shift for me. Therapy did give me the tools for self-compassion, and stopping the spirals.
I really wish I'd had these moving, gut wrenching experiences in therapy. All I had were a bunch of incompetent egotists either staring blankly, throwing cushions at me, or talking nonsense.
I tried therapists for 20 years and viscerally disliked all of them.
Therapy doesn’t erase your pain. It doesn’t rewrite the past or remove the scars. And it sure as hell doesn’t make you immune to bad days.
What it does do is give you a fighting chance.
It helps you understand why your brain reacts the way it does. Why certain words, places, or situations trigger a storm inside you. Why your nervous system stays on high alert even when nothing is wrong. Why you push people away when you want them close. — this too for me is true Salwa.
Therapy has helped me untangle that. It has helped me recognize that not every raised voice is a threat, not every silence means rejection, not every setback is a confirmation that I’m destined to suffer.
But the damage? The imprints of trauma? They still show up.
I still have severe anxiety that makes my heart race over things that aren’t dangerous. I still have depression that whispers, “What’s the point?” even when I know better. - yes Salwa!
When a therapist told me I needed to forgive my abuser, I told her no. What I needed to do was forgive my young self that bought into the lies of my abusers.
She didn't argue with me, but later on she brought it up again that forgiving the abuser helps us heal. I pushed back again.
Abusers know the damage they are doing and yet the do it anyway. There is no forgiveness in the world for that kind of hate and selfishness.
I decided I did not need to let them take up so much space in my brain. We all have to figure out what is right for us as individuals to heal.
Forgive if that's right for you. But don't be afraid to walk away from their hold on your psyche if that's what is best for you.
Forgive your abuser….this is something that is said so much…why? What about first accepting that you were abused and learning how to face that pain with courage, light and the appropriate support and THEN learning how to heal before ‘forgiving’ someone who set out to hurt you?
The monks taught this long ago: healing is not climbing a ladder. It is learning to sit beside your brokenness without flinching. Some days you will speak. Some days you will shake. Both are holy. Progress is not the absence of pain. It is the presence of compassion for the parts still in pain. Rest. Rise again. You are walking the path.
This is such a beautiful look at the inner workings of therapy, dear Salwa. Thank you so much for sharing.
Based on what I just learned from your very raw but real piece, to even 'show up' at therapy requires courage. So in my mind, to simply show is an achievement on its own that deserves to be celebrated as a win.
Your article also makes me think about a different level of this... maybe one day you'll write about it? It's this...
I originate from Africa/West Africa, and truth be told there are unthinkable levels and instances of trauma and dysfunction in our culture. Yet somehow we tend to place a stigma on therapy... You know, think of the need to attend it as a weakness, something to be ashamed about?
So we end up 'bequeathing' our trauma and dysfunction to subsequent generations... and worse end up normalizing it. I wonder why. Why do we put such a negative connotation to something that has the potential to help us... Just a thought 🤔.
If therapy was the cure I would have been well 30 years ago. It does give me a chance… to cope. 🧚♂️
A million times! I've seen positive changes in myself and my ability to handle things differently. And I have wondered many times why it isn't all healed. It's unrealistic to think we can heal a lifetime of trauma in an hour a week. Now, I know I must do my practices for a quieter nervous system everyday.
This: ‘What it does do is give you a fighting chance.’ 👌🏻
Yes. yes to all of this.
Thank you. I actually needed to read this one today. 💜
This, like nearly everything I read of yours, speaks to my own experience.
I've had days where I thought I've regressed like I never had therapy at all, especially if I have bouts of explosive anger. They make me feel so ashamed afterwards. They're usually not aimed at anyone, just rage fits over situations, and it's enough to wonder why they still happen if therapy is working.
However, I'm doing better at examining to diagnose patterns that caused them and trying to address those so the frequency decreases. That step is something I didn't take before and it's progress.
There are other examples but it's just further confirmation of what you wrote. Therapy better equips to manage the challenges, we're not transformed in a way that they never happen again or suddenly aren't challenges. Thanks for writing this, and I'm restacking it because this piece deserves more love, likes and eyeballs.
You're doing the work. Give yourself credit.
Thank you for this, Salwa, this lovely reminder of what therapy is, and what it isn’t.
We have been in therapy for our DID for 31 years now. Of course, the first 10 years of that time period don’t really count, because we were misdiagnosed for those 10 years. Unfortunately, that’s not an uncommon experience for those of us with DID. And let me tell you, going through 10 years of therapy under a misdiagnosis is truly Hell. Those years made us worse instead of better.
But in the 21 years since then, we have made a lot of positive progress. But a lot of times, we struggle with thinking “Why is it taking so long? Are we not trying hard enough?” We have had some friends tell us that we should be done by now, that we are only still going because we are “addicted” to therapy. Sometimes, we’re afraid that they might be right.
But the thing is, with a DID system of 74 alters (and believe it or not, we have met other systems who have a LOT more alters than we do!), it’s not that easy to just decide that we are “done” with therapy. We may seem to be doing “fine”, but that’s because there are about 15-20 or so of us who have done enough work on our trauma that we can function reasonably well. For a lot of the others, they have hardly done any work at all. And for someone with DID, those hidden parts of ourselves have names, and faces. Many of them are children. We have learned that in the IFS (internal family systems) mode of therapy, these hidden parts are called “The Exiles”, and that breaks our heart. We feel like we have failed them.
So, thank you for this gentle reminder that we are not bad, or “doing therapy wrong.” Even now, as I type these words, I struggle to believe that. But therapy is a process, and it’s one that we may never be done with, and maybe that’s okay…Maybe?
Like I said, I’m struggling with this, but still, thank you. Not only for this article, but for all of your gentle, kind, supportive words.
We appreciate you.
Leyna Vincent
I have totally felt like therapy wasn't working... But that's because it began to feel like it was a way to outsource my problems and not take accountability for myself and my mental world. I joined a group that was focused on shadow work and parts work and that's where things began to shift for me. Therapy did give me the tools for self-compassion, and stopping the spirals.
I really wish I'd had these moving, gut wrenching experiences in therapy. All I had were a bunch of incompetent egotists either staring blankly, throwing cushions at me, or talking nonsense.
I tried therapists for 20 years and viscerally disliked all of them.
Therapy doesn’t erase your pain. It doesn’t rewrite the past or remove the scars. And it sure as hell doesn’t make you immune to bad days.
What it does do is give you a fighting chance.
It helps you understand why your brain reacts the way it does. Why certain words, places, or situations trigger a storm inside you. Why your nervous system stays on high alert even when nothing is wrong. Why you push people away when you want them close. — this too for me is true Salwa.
Therapy has helped me untangle that. It has helped me recognize that not every raised voice is a threat, not every silence means rejection, not every setback is a confirmation that I’m destined to suffer.
But the damage? The imprints of trauma? They still show up.
I still have severe anxiety that makes my heart race over things that aren’t dangerous. I still have depression that whispers, “What’s the point?” even when I know better. - yes Salwa!
"Oh what a rogue and peasant slave am I." -- Hamlet
Thank you for this!
When a therapist told me I needed to forgive my abuser, I told her no. What I needed to do was forgive my young self that bought into the lies of my abusers.
She didn't argue with me, but later on she brought it up again that forgiving the abuser helps us heal. I pushed back again.
Abusers know the damage they are doing and yet the do it anyway. There is no forgiveness in the world for that kind of hate and selfishness.
I decided I did not need to let them take up so much space in my brain. We all have to figure out what is right for us as individuals to heal.
Forgive if that's right for you. But don't be afraid to walk away from their hold on your psyche if that's what is best for you.
Forgive your abuser….this is something that is said so much…why? What about first accepting that you were abused and learning how to face that pain with courage, light and the appropriate support and THEN learning how to heal before ‘forgiving’ someone who set out to hurt you?