The truth is that I don't think people really change, and people who are that sadistic in childhood/adolescence, remain so in adulthood. Who knows why this person messaged you, but I think you're right to leave the message unread. I've often fantasised about reuniting with my bullies and having that cathartic moment from the hollywood movies where you get to show them that you are bigger than them, and that they didn't get to you. However, what you did is better, because you have proved you don't need to validate her message... You have evolved enough that this person doesn't get that. This was really inspiring and a great read. Thank you.
Rianna, you so much for sharing this…I really felt your words. That Hollywood fantasy of finally saying what needed to be said? I’ve had it too. But in the end, I think real healing sometimes looks quieter… like choosing not to let someone back into your inner world, even when you could. It means a lot to know this piece resonated with you. We carry so much from those early wounds, and I’m grateful we get to keep growing beyond them.
Children who bully often are acting out their own pain, they aren’t necessarily evil or sadistic. I do believe some people learn, grow, and change, provided they do the work.
Everyone has a unique path and someone who acted out their pain before knowing better, can heal and do differently. That doesn’t mean the target of their bullying has to be responsive or engage in relationship, that just means some people grow.
If they derive pleasure at the extreme aggressions at a childhood age, something has changed who they are. There is no apology great enough to come back decades later and send it by email.
It has long been her choice to put the bullies behind her and move on with her life and her healing without ANY obligation to engage now so many years later. As she stated, the aggression and damages intertwined in her development process and she’s had to heal on her own and find her clarity of what is acceptable to bring into her life or not. Ms Bully lost any rights to try to re engage all these years later.
Just giving Ms Bully some grace for a minute - perhaps it’s part of her process of taking personal responsibility to search out and try to extend heartfelt apologies for who she knows she’s harmed. That in itself is for her and doesn’t require re engagement either.
So i strongly support the healthy choice of just letting it be and not responding.
Children/young people who bully are by nature, sadistic. Sadism means to derive pleasure from inflicting pain or witnessing pain, humiliation. It's not about being inherently evil, it's about the enjoyment of watching someone suffers at your hands or others. From this piece Salwa mentions begging and pleading to her bullies wheh they hurt her while they watched and laughed, that is sadism. When I say that people don't really change, what I mean is that there are parts of us that remain but are dormant. Case in point myself, as a child I was incredibly sensitive and passive which often made me a target for the bullies; in recent years I have learned to be more assertive (but that sensitive part of me still remains) and at times as an adult I have found myself in similar dynamics to childhood... So yes I have evolved... But at times I haven't really changed (that's my story). However, I could have rephrased that because people do evolve. My main point was that just because this person sent this apologetic message, doesn't mean she's necessarily changed.. That's all, but of course I don't know this person and I'm going off the piece that I read.
I’m aware of the definitions but from the perspective of a professional in the mental health field, a person who was bullied, and as a child who acted out, children are not sadistic by nature. Children act out what they are exposed to. There are some sociopaths out there, they’re the exception. There are also children acting out pain that was inflicted upon them.
I feel sad for what Salwa and others who were traumatized and have gone through. The people who did this were cruel. I’m happy that Salwa is empowered and making choices for herself and I’m here cheering her on.
The only point I’m making is that children who bully aren’t inherently sadistic. Some of them have very painful stories. I’ve heard numerous ones. What they do isn’t right. With proper help, a person can grow. Forgiveness and how it shows up is up the each individual. Salwa made the right decision for her and again, I’m here on the sidelines cheering her on.
I’m also sending love to hurt children who only know how to act out what they see. I pray they get help. That’s it.
I appreciate the empathy. I am working in the field of developmental psychology, so I have some insight into the psychological, sociological and other factors that effect development in children. I don't think that children are inherently sadistic or evil, I'm just saying that bullying someone (especially when said victim is expressing pain) often has a sadistic component to it whether you are bullying because of childhood trauma or other reasons. I got into the field because I wanted to investigate how people (specifically children in my case but this applies to adults too) change, grow adapt... However, there is a reason why they say 'wherever you go there you are' because circumstances may change, but people may not. Anyway, we both have the same aim for being here and I appreciate the civil discourse. Have a great day too!
Absolutely. There’s such quiet strength in choosing not to react, not to explain, not to reopen wounds just to be understood. Sometimes silence is the closure and stillness, the proof that we’ve moved on. Thank you for this beautiful reminder
Amy, thank you so much for sharing this. It really is such a slow, painful realisation…how deeply those early experiences shape us. And yes, exactly… we’re not here to soothe someone else’s guilt at the expense of our own healing. Sometimes, not replying is the boundary that finally honours what we went through. I see you and I’m so glad you’re here.
I spent many years hiding myself as a result of it. Shrinking away. Making myself small. And I wasn't even conscious of doing it! That fear was, and to some extent still is, embedded in my body.
I wish you healing. Its a long journey back to ourselves.
Oh goodness I so resonate with this. I’ve never had the apology message but I wholly know your pain. I’m now 60 and still that damage haunts me in crazy ways that I think I’ve laid to rest then something frees them again.
I think that by completely ignoring this you are disempowering it. It’s a thing you’ve let go of and it should absolutely stay that way. Don’t attach anything to it.
I’ve done work with hugging my 5-15 year old self and telling her I will protect her. Because that feeling of aloneness is one no child should have to experience. And I do believe that time is not linear so when you hug her close all of your selves gain from that compassion.
Sending you love and hugs. Delete the message and take its power away. 💕💪🏼
This brought tears to my eyes…thank you for sharing your story and your heart so openly. That kind of hurt really does echo through the years in ways we don’t always expect, and I deeply resonate with what you said about thinking it’s been laid to rest… until it isn’t.
I love your practice of hugging your younger self—it’s such a tender, powerful way to reclaim what was missing. And yes, you’re right—time isn’t always linear, especially when it comes to healing. That inner child still deserves to feel held and safe.
Thank you for this beautiful reminder. I’m sending love and strength right back to you. We carry these things together now. 💛
I so agree with you and had the same communion with my inner child and dedicated myself to protecting her, listening to her and helping her, no matter how messy the emotions or how unwanted the anger. I help her choose private moments to express that and release it, not perpetrating it on someone else. ❤️
I truly respect the clarity of your decision, Salwa, because it is not a refusal driven by resentment, but the exercise of choice after a long history of having none. That distinction feels essential <3
That means so much Dom. thank you for seeing that distinction so clearly. It really wasn’t about resentment, but about reclaiming the agency I didn’t have back then. Being able to choose silence on my terms felt like such a quiet kind of healing. I’m grateful you felt that in the piece
Once you attempt to contact someone whom you’ve terrorized and abused, especially after they’ve finally escaped you, the closure you’re seeking is not to give but to receive it for yourself. I don’t blame you one bit.🫶🏽
Yes, exactly that. It’s so often framed as an apology or act of closure for us, but really, it’s about easing their conscience. And sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is not open that door again. Thank you for naming this so clearly and for holding space with such understanding. I truly appreciate it ❤️
One of the hardest things for an abuse survivor to do is set healthy boundaries. You were clearly mastering the skill and have enough introspection to understand what it takes to maintain your own mental and physical well-being
Thank you so much Mike. that means a lot to me. You’re right, setting boundaries can feel like an uphill climb, especially after experiencing abuse. It takes so much unlearning, and even more courage to stick to them when guilt or doubt creeps in. I’m still learning, but hearing that this came through in the piece really affirms the work I’ve been doing. Grateful for your kind words and for seeing the strength in it
Tara, thank you so much for your kind words and blessings..they mean more than you know. It’s been a long journey, but yes… I’m learning to choose myself, again and again. And with every step, that peace feels a little more real. I’m so grateful you took the time to read and hold this story with me. Blessings right back to you.
Absolutely agree, Salwa. You don’t owe her a response nor help with her guilt. The extreme cruelty of this person doesn’t suggest that she could be completely reformed. Your peace is yours to keep. I’m so very sorry you experienced this terrible cruelty in your childhood.
Thank you so much for your compassion Tina, it really means a lot. That sentence—your peace is yours to keep—hit me right in the heart. You’re right, I don’t owe her anything. And choosing not to respond felt like reclaiming something that was taken from me long ago. I’m so sorry you understand this from such a knowing place too. Sending warmth and gratitude your way
❣️❣️❣️ Excellent writing as is your insight. It took tremendous growth, strength, and hard work to arrive at your conclusions. I feel proud of you. Admirable.
Thank you so much, your words truly touched me. It’s taken a lot of inner work to reach this place, and hearing that it resonated with you means more than I can say. I’m really grateful for your kindness… and for being here to witness this piece of the journey with me. 💛
Your story touched me, Salwa! I'm interested in forgiveness and amends-making, as it's part of the 12 Step process. If that's what this person was doing, (Step 9), then she should be aware that it's not being done to gain forgiveness. We should lay out amends "in the middle of the street", without expectation for an outcome. It's part of our own healing, though I can see that it often brings up the pain for the other person.
So the amends was between her and her higher power.
I also kinda relate to the commenters who mentioned cruelty and sadism. Whether or not your tormenter has access to any true compassion, we'll never know. And I do also believe in miraculous healing, but again, no way to know if that's what's happening here.
I fully support you in your response, and think you can be proud that you have enough self-love to choose what feels right! I am only now stepping into that more fully in my 70's.
I've had my own journey with forgiveness of my abusers, and it certainly doesn't include condoning their actions. With my mother, it was accomplished only after her death. It's takes the form of recognizing that she was sick/ didn't get what she needed as a child, entertaining the possibility that she may have been doing her best, and that overall, all of my life's experiences were to give me an opportunity for growth later.
Forgiveness, in my experience, only has to do with setting the grievance backpack down and walking on in freedom and autonomy. Many blessings on your journey! nora ann.
Nora Ann, thank you for such a thoughtful, generous, and deeply wise response. Your words carry such lived compassion, and I’m honored that you shared your own journey here.
You said something that really stayed with me “the amends was between her and her higher power.” That perspective is both freeing and grounding. It lifts the burden from the person harmed, which I think is such an important part of true healing work. I also felt so moved by your definition of forgiveness: setting the grievance backpack down and walking on in freedom and autonomy. What a powerful image.
And thank you for your kind support around my choice..it’s taken me years to even get close to self-love, let alone trust it enough to act on it. Knowing that you’re finding that space more fully now in your 70s fills me with hope. This healing path really isn’t linear—it’s layered, tender, and alive.
I know this person too, she was also relentless and made it her business to ruin someone's life daily. I don't believe there are any 'shoulds' for you, only love for yourself. Thanks for sharing, Salwa.
Thank you Susan. And you’re so right: no ‘shoulds,’ just choosing love for myself, finally. I’m really grateful you took the time to read and hold this with me
Nancy, thank you so much for this…it truly resonated. You’re right, closure often serves the one who caused harm more than the one who had to live through it. And that idea that forgiveness isn’t always what brings peace is something I’ve come to understand the hard way. Your words felt like such a gentle affirmation: that it’s okay to choose what protects my heart, and that the right people will understand. Thank you for seeing that so clearly. 💙💛💙
The truth is that I don't think people really change, and people who are that sadistic in childhood/adolescence, remain so in adulthood. Who knows why this person messaged you, but I think you're right to leave the message unread. I've often fantasised about reuniting with my bullies and having that cathartic moment from the hollywood movies where you get to show them that you are bigger than them, and that they didn't get to you. However, what you did is better, because you have proved you don't need to validate her message... You have evolved enough that this person doesn't get that. This was really inspiring and a great read. Thank you.
Rianna, you so much for sharing this…I really felt your words. That Hollywood fantasy of finally saying what needed to be said? I’ve had it too. But in the end, I think real healing sometimes looks quieter… like choosing not to let someone back into your inner world, even when you could. It means a lot to know this piece resonated with you. We carry so much from those early wounds, and I’m grateful we get to keep growing beyond them.
Children who bully often are acting out their own pain, they aren’t necessarily evil or sadistic. I do believe some people learn, grow, and change, provided they do the work.
Everyone has a unique path and someone who acted out their pain before knowing better, can heal and do differently. That doesn’t mean the target of their bullying has to be responsive or engage in relationship, that just means some people grow.
If they derive pleasure at the extreme aggressions at a childhood age, something has changed who they are. There is no apology great enough to come back decades later and send it by email.
It has long been her choice to put the bullies behind her and move on with her life and her healing without ANY obligation to engage now so many years later. As she stated, the aggression and damages intertwined in her development process and she’s had to heal on her own and find her clarity of what is acceptable to bring into her life or not. Ms Bully lost any rights to try to re engage all these years later.
Just giving Ms Bully some grace for a minute - perhaps it’s part of her process of taking personal responsibility to search out and try to extend heartfelt apologies for who she knows she’s harmed. That in itself is for her and doesn’t require re engagement either.
So i strongly support the healthy choice of just letting it be and not responding.
Children/young people who bully are by nature, sadistic. Sadism means to derive pleasure from inflicting pain or witnessing pain, humiliation. It's not about being inherently evil, it's about the enjoyment of watching someone suffers at your hands or others. From this piece Salwa mentions begging and pleading to her bullies wheh they hurt her while they watched and laughed, that is sadism. When I say that people don't really change, what I mean is that there are parts of us that remain but are dormant. Case in point myself, as a child I was incredibly sensitive and passive which often made me a target for the bullies; in recent years I have learned to be more assertive (but that sensitive part of me still remains) and at times as an adult I have found myself in similar dynamics to childhood... So yes I have evolved... But at times I haven't really changed (that's my story). However, I could have rephrased that because people do evolve. My main point was that just because this person sent this apologetic message, doesn't mean she's necessarily changed.. That's all, but of course I don't know this person and I'm going off the piece that I read.
This story must’ve been very triggering for you.
I’m aware of the definitions but from the perspective of a professional in the mental health field, a person who was bullied, and as a child who acted out, children are not sadistic by nature. Children act out what they are exposed to. There are some sociopaths out there, they’re the exception. There are also children acting out pain that was inflicted upon them.
I feel sad for what Salwa and others who were traumatized and have gone through. The people who did this were cruel. I’m happy that Salwa is empowered and making choices for herself and I’m here cheering her on.
The only point I’m making is that children who bully aren’t inherently sadistic. Some of them have very painful stories. I’ve heard numerous ones. What they do isn’t right. With proper help, a person can grow. Forgiveness and how it shows up is up the each individual. Salwa made the right decision for her and again, I’m here on the sidelines cheering her on.
I’m also sending love to hurt children who only know how to act out what they see. I pray they get help. That’s it.
Have a great day!
I appreciate the empathy. I am working in the field of developmental psychology, so I have some insight into the psychological, sociological and other factors that effect development in children. I don't think that children are inherently sadistic or evil, I'm just saying that bullying someone (especially when said victim is expressing pain) often has a sadistic component to it whether you are bullying because of childhood trauma or other reasons. I got into the field because I wanted to investigate how people (specifically children in my case but this applies to adults too) change, grow adapt... However, there is a reason why they say 'wherever you go there you are' because circumstances may change, but people may not. Anyway, we both have the same aim for being here and I appreciate the civil discourse. Have a great day too!
The most powerful tools we have are silence and stillness.
Absolutely. There’s such quiet strength in choosing not to react, not to explain, not to reopen wounds just to be understood. Sometimes silence is the closure and stillness, the proof that we’ve moved on. Thank you for this beautiful reminder
And loving, respecting our self.
I too experienced bullying in my teenage years, and it took a long time to realise just how profoundly that affected me.
Sorry or not, it is not for you to assuage her guilt.
Amy, thank you so much for sharing this. It really is such a slow, painful realisation…how deeply those early experiences shape us. And yes, exactly… we’re not here to soothe someone else’s guilt at the expense of our own healing. Sometimes, not replying is the boundary that finally honours what we went through. I see you and I’m so glad you’re here.
Thanks Salwa,
I spent many years hiding myself as a result of it. Shrinking away. Making myself small. And I wasn't even conscious of doing it! That fear was, and to some extent still is, embedded in my body.
I wish you healing. Its a long journey back to ourselves.
Oh goodness I so resonate with this. I’ve never had the apology message but I wholly know your pain. I’m now 60 and still that damage haunts me in crazy ways that I think I’ve laid to rest then something frees them again.
I think that by completely ignoring this you are disempowering it. It’s a thing you’ve let go of and it should absolutely stay that way. Don’t attach anything to it.
I’ve done work with hugging my 5-15 year old self and telling her I will protect her. Because that feeling of aloneness is one no child should have to experience. And I do believe that time is not linear so when you hug her close all of your selves gain from that compassion.
Sending you love and hugs. Delete the message and take its power away. 💕💪🏼
This brought tears to my eyes…thank you for sharing your story and your heart so openly. That kind of hurt really does echo through the years in ways we don’t always expect, and I deeply resonate with what you said about thinking it’s been laid to rest… until it isn’t.
I love your practice of hugging your younger self—it’s such a tender, powerful way to reclaim what was missing. And yes, you’re right—time isn’t always linear, especially when it comes to healing. That inner child still deserves to feel held and safe.
Thank you for this beautiful reminder. I’m sending love and strength right back to you. We carry these things together now. 💛
Love back to you Salwa. You are a strong and wonderful woman 🩷
I so agree with you and had the same communion with my inner child and dedicated myself to protecting her, listening to her and helping her, no matter how messy the emotions or how unwanted the anger. I help her choose private moments to express that and release it, not perpetrating it on someone else. ❤️
I truly respect the clarity of your decision, Salwa, because it is not a refusal driven by resentment, but the exercise of choice after a long history of having none. That distinction feels essential <3
That means so much Dom. thank you for seeing that distinction so clearly. It really wasn’t about resentment, but about reclaiming the agency I didn’t have back then. Being able to choose silence on my terms felt like such a quiet kind of healing. I’m grateful you felt that in the piece
Once you attempt to contact someone whom you’ve terrorized and abused, especially after they’ve finally escaped you, the closure you’re seeking is not to give but to receive it for yourself. I don’t blame you one bit.🫶🏽
Yes, exactly that. It’s so often framed as an apology or act of closure for us, but really, it’s about easing their conscience. And sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is not open that door again. Thank you for naming this so clearly and for holding space with such understanding. I truly appreciate it ❤️
Wonderful writing!
One of the hardest things for an abuse survivor to do is set healthy boundaries. You were clearly mastering the skill and have enough introspection to understand what it takes to maintain your own mental and physical well-being
Thank you so much Mike. that means a lot to me. You’re right, setting boundaries can feel like an uphill climb, especially after experiencing abuse. It takes so much unlearning, and even more courage to stick to them when guilt or doubt creeps in. I’m still learning, but hearing that this came through in the piece really affirms the work I’ve been doing. Grateful for your kind words and for seeing the strength in it
I’m so sorry this happened to you, you didn’t deserve it. I pray you truly have found peace. I’m happy you’re choosing you.
Blessings!
Tara, thank you so much for your kind words and blessings..they mean more than you know. It’s been a long journey, but yes… I’m learning to choose myself, again and again. And with every step, that peace feels a little more real. I’m so grateful you took the time to read and hold this story with me. Blessings right back to you.
Good to stay strong. Your peace matters. No matter what anyone says.
❤️
Absolutely agree, Salwa. You don’t owe her a response nor help with her guilt. The extreme cruelty of this person doesn’t suggest that she could be completely reformed. Your peace is yours to keep. I’m so very sorry you experienced this terrible cruelty in your childhood.
Thank you so much for your compassion Tina, it really means a lot. That sentence—your peace is yours to keep—hit me right in the heart. You’re right, I don’t owe her anything. And choosing not to respond felt like reclaiming something that was taken from me long ago. I’m so sorry you understand this from such a knowing place too. Sending warmth and gratitude your way
❣️❣️❣️ Excellent writing as is your insight. It took tremendous growth, strength, and hard work to arrive at your conclusions. I feel proud of you. Admirable.
Thank you so much, your words truly touched me. It’s taken a lot of inner work to reach this place, and hearing that it resonated with you means more than I can say. I’m really grateful for your kindness… and for being here to witness this piece of the journey with me. 💛
Your story touched me, Salwa! I'm interested in forgiveness and amends-making, as it's part of the 12 Step process. If that's what this person was doing, (Step 9), then she should be aware that it's not being done to gain forgiveness. We should lay out amends "in the middle of the street", without expectation for an outcome. It's part of our own healing, though I can see that it often brings up the pain for the other person.
So the amends was between her and her higher power.
I also kinda relate to the commenters who mentioned cruelty and sadism. Whether or not your tormenter has access to any true compassion, we'll never know. And I do also believe in miraculous healing, but again, no way to know if that's what's happening here.
I fully support you in your response, and think you can be proud that you have enough self-love to choose what feels right! I am only now stepping into that more fully in my 70's.
I've had my own journey with forgiveness of my abusers, and it certainly doesn't include condoning their actions. With my mother, it was accomplished only after her death. It's takes the form of recognizing that she was sick/ didn't get what she needed as a child, entertaining the possibility that she may have been doing her best, and that overall, all of my life's experiences were to give me an opportunity for growth later.
Forgiveness, in my experience, only has to do with setting the grievance backpack down and walking on in freedom and autonomy. Many blessings on your journey! nora ann.
Nora Ann, thank you for such a thoughtful, generous, and deeply wise response. Your words carry such lived compassion, and I’m honored that you shared your own journey here.
You said something that really stayed with me “the amends was between her and her higher power.” That perspective is both freeing and grounding. It lifts the burden from the person harmed, which I think is such an important part of true healing work. I also felt so moved by your definition of forgiveness: setting the grievance backpack down and walking on in freedom and autonomy. What a powerful image.
And thank you for your kind support around my choice..it’s taken me years to even get close to self-love, let alone trust it enough to act on it. Knowing that you’re finding that space more fully now in your 70s fills me with hope. This healing path really isn’t linear—it’s layered, tender, and alive.
Sending warmth and gratitude to you. Truly.
What brutality and torture! I’m sorry you were relentlessly attacked. I applaud you for caring for your peace.
Thank you Michele. I appreciate you
I know this person too, she was also relentless and made it her business to ruin someone's life daily. I don't believe there are any 'shoulds' for you, only love for yourself. Thanks for sharing, Salwa.
Thank you Susan. And you’re so right: no ‘shoulds,’ just choosing love for myself, finally. I’m really grateful you took the time to read and hold this with me
Thank you for sharing this experience, Salwa. Calmness is Power.
Thank you for being here Jaelynn. I appreciate you
That type of letter may bring "closure" to the bully, but it rarely helps the victim. I'm glad you realize you owe her nothing.
There is no need to respond if you don't want to. There is no "forgiveness" that will make you feel better.
The people that honor, love and respect you will honor your decisions regarding reading/not reading, responding/ not responding.
💙💛💙
Nancy, thank you so much for this…it truly resonated. You’re right, closure often serves the one who caused harm more than the one who had to live through it. And that idea that forgiveness isn’t always what brings peace is something I’ve come to understand the hard way. Your words felt like such a gentle affirmation: that it’s okay to choose what protects my heart, and that the right people will understand. Thank you for seeing that so clearly. 💙💛💙