If I went into all of the ways this touched my soul, there would be walls of text below. I'll simply say that this resonated so very deeply. It's a wonderful, thoughtful, healing and protective piece.
I knew setting boundaries might make some people leave I just didn’t expect the whole guest list to disappear. At first, it felt like I did something wrong. But after years of building walls, I’m finally working on capacity too, learning not just how to protect my space, but how to let the right people back in. Slowly. Maybe. With ID checks.
I relate to this! It’s so much easier these days! I feel less and less guilty now and am finding an odd ease in choosing myself now. It’s so unfamiliar, but so liberating. Thanks for sharing!!
Also, Set Boundaries Find Peace found me at such a pivotal time in my journey. Love that book!
Ah, boundaries. I used to really hate the word because I thought I was the only one who was subject to them. I had people throw that in my face and say, “You crossed the boundary,” even though they didn't necessarily lay it out clearly or ask me if any of my boundaries had been violated and the like. But I was really new at it, so I just accepted the fact that this was a weapon to be used against me.
And a lot of that went to my chronic codependency and real terror at the idea of losing relationships. And this went way back to losing a caregiver at a very early age and the abandonment wound that left.
At any rate, I've learned a lot since then, and I've done a lot of work on it. And man, did this article resonate. I mean, I loved every word of it. I wish I'd had it to read like three years ago, but I'm glad I have it to read today.
I think the biggest breakthrough for me at one point was when a friend I cared about was angry with me about something that I did. And in the middle of his tirade, the thought crossed my mind: I could lose this relationship. And I had a flash of terror. But then I repeated it. And he was yelling in my ear—we were on the phone—but I started repeating it: I could lose this relationship. No matter what I do, I could lose this relationship. I have no control over him or what he might decide to do.
And so I didn't say much, and after I got off the phone, I really reflected on whether I agreed with him about what I'd done, and whether I was right or wrong. I really thought about my part, and whether his anger was justified.
See, that's the thing I never did before I started understanding boundaries. I would just agree. If somebody was mad at me, I figured they must be right, and I need to do whatever I need to do to appease them, so as to—quote—“save the relationship”—close quote.
And those relationships generally, eventually, fell away anyway. That's the ironic thing.
Like you said so perfectly, I felt like being easy to be around was essential—necessary for me—because I was not such a great person, and they were all so great, and so I was lucky to have them in my life anyway. And I’d better meet them nine-tenths of the way. Usually they didn’t even give me the one-tenth. Some of them.
And these, to be sure, were toxic relationships to begin with, and it was a two-way street. I generally tended to be the compliant one who got under the control of a controlling-type person, and neither of us were healthy. But when the compliant one stops complying, things generally go nuclear. That I have also discovered. And so there were some blow-ups.
At any rate, this article was so wonderful. It just triggered some of those memories, and I apologize for getting off-topic a bit, but man, what a great article. I resonated with it so strongly. Thank you so much for taking the time to write it! 🙏
If I went into all of the ways this touched my soul, there would be walls of text below. I'll simply say that this resonated so very deeply. It's a wonderful, thoughtful, healing and protective piece.
Thisbis so beautifully written!! Honestly it came at just the right time for me!! Thank you for sharing 💓💓💓
So me. Too. Thank you!
Love this, especially the gentle reminders and explanations. So much grace and love here, and so relatable.
So eloquently and compassionately stated. So many reminders to be extracted and attached via a posted note onto my mind. 🙏💫
Thank you for sharing this. It is so true to me at the moment, and has reaffirmed my reasons and needs for my boundaries 🙏
This is so good!!
Salwa, I can relate to almost all of this. Very enlightening and inspiring. Thank you so very much for sharing such valuable lessons.
I knew setting boundaries might make some people leave I just didn’t expect the whole guest list to disappear. At first, it felt like I did something wrong. But after years of building walls, I’m finally working on capacity too, learning not just how to protect my space, but how to let the right people back in. Slowly. Maybe. With ID checks.
I relate to this! It’s so much easier these days! I feel less and less guilty now and am finding an odd ease in choosing myself now. It’s so unfamiliar, but so liberating. Thanks for sharing!!
Also, Set Boundaries Find Peace found me at such a pivotal time in my journey. Love that book!
Salwa, you inspire me every day. Thank you for being here. ❤️
You are so wise — thank you for sharing this with us, Salwa.
Happy to see there are other on this same journey.
Ah, boundaries. I used to really hate the word because I thought I was the only one who was subject to them. I had people throw that in my face and say, “You crossed the boundary,” even though they didn't necessarily lay it out clearly or ask me if any of my boundaries had been violated and the like. But I was really new at it, so I just accepted the fact that this was a weapon to be used against me.
And a lot of that went to my chronic codependency and real terror at the idea of losing relationships. And this went way back to losing a caregiver at a very early age and the abandonment wound that left.
At any rate, I've learned a lot since then, and I've done a lot of work on it. And man, did this article resonate. I mean, I loved every word of it. I wish I'd had it to read like three years ago, but I'm glad I have it to read today.
I think the biggest breakthrough for me at one point was when a friend I cared about was angry with me about something that I did. And in the middle of his tirade, the thought crossed my mind: I could lose this relationship. And I had a flash of terror. But then I repeated it. And he was yelling in my ear—we were on the phone—but I started repeating it: I could lose this relationship. No matter what I do, I could lose this relationship. I have no control over him or what he might decide to do.
And so I didn't say much, and after I got off the phone, I really reflected on whether I agreed with him about what I'd done, and whether I was right or wrong. I really thought about my part, and whether his anger was justified.
See, that's the thing I never did before I started understanding boundaries. I would just agree. If somebody was mad at me, I figured they must be right, and I need to do whatever I need to do to appease them, so as to—quote—“save the relationship”—close quote.
And those relationships generally, eventually, fell away anyway. That's the ironic thing.
Like you said so perfectly, I felt like being easy to be around was essential—necessary for me—because I was not such a great person, and they were all so great, and so I was lucky to have them in my life anyway. And I’d better meet them nine-tenths of the way. Usually they didn’t even give me the one-tenth. Some of them.
And these, to be sure, were toxic relationships to begin with, and it was a two-way street. I generally tended to be the compliant one who got under the control of a controlling-type person, and neither of us were healthy. But when the compliant one stops complying, things generally go nuclear. That I have also discovered. And so there were some blow-ups.
At any rate, this article was so wonderful. It just triggered some of those memories, and I apologize for getting off-topic a bit, but man, what a great article. I resonated with it so strongly. Thank you so much for taking the time to write it! 🙏
Boundaries are essential to our well-being. Thank you.
Thanks, Salwa. I really appreciate your thoughtful writing.
Taking care of the self is a must. Thanks for sharing how to do that with ease.