Thank you for this very thoughtful piece Salwa. It’s that unspoken sense of shock and awe that gets me. “You mean women can still do this? At this age?” Like we’re expected to curl up and wither as we get older. I’m in my late 50’s and certifying as a counsellor. I have every intention of taking space and growing older disgracefully. Of disgracefully means continuing to be curious, always ready to learn and refusing to go “quietly into the night”
Funmi, i love this so much! The idea that we’re supposed to shrink with age is one of the biggest lies we’ve been sold. But here you are—proving that growth, curiosity, and taking up space don’t have an expiration date. Wishing you all the best on your journey as a counselor. The world needs more voices like yours!
Thank you. I’m also doing it because we’ve been sold the story that we have to go to school, get a job, work it for 30 years and then, maybe then, we can get to do the things that feed our souls. Someone once quoted a poem to me that had the line “all who wander are not lost”. I’ve never had a ‘career’ plan. And for a long time, I thought that made me less than. When I look back on my life now, I see that it was a path that has led me to where I’m meant to be. I’ve been an administrator, a lawyer, a policy maker, a trainer, a life coach and now becoming a counsellor. Each one of those activities, giving me a piece of what I need now to become who I’ve always wanted to be.
I love this, Salwa, and I was talking about this - not Demi - but this topic the other day with another woman writer who said, women do it to women as much as men do it to women. Which is sad.
Janice, thank you! And yes, that’s such an important point. It’s not just men who reinforce this—women do, too, often without realising it. The expectations, the quiet judgments, the idea that there’s a “right” way to age… it’s so ingrained. But conversations like these help challenge that. Glad you’re having these discussions too!
The “you can do anything at any age” narrative often feels like a feel-good band-aid over a deeper issue - systemic biases that make success harder to achieve for certain groups in the first place.
Yes, exactly. The “you can do anything at any age” message is nice, but it ignores the real barriers—bias, access, opportunities—that make it harder for some people to thrive. It’s not just about willpower; it’s about the systems that decide who gets to keep going and who gets quietly pushed aside.
Thank you! That means a lot. I love the idea of a quiet revolution—sometimes the most powerful shifts happen in the subtle, unspoken moments. Grateful this piece broadened your perspective! 💚
That is such an empowering writing, age should not make a difference to their worth. Definitely worth the read.. A brilliant piece. Age is not a failure more experiences should be glorified.
Thank you so much! I couldn’t agree more—age isn’t a failure, it’s a richness of experience that should be valued, not diminished. There’s so much power in embracing every stage of life fully. I’m glad this piece resonated with you!
Thanks Salwa. While reading, I also thought about the film 80 for Brady starring Moreno, Fonda, Field, Tomlin. These seem to be the go-to older white female actors. So there's also this hierarchy of which older women are seen, when they do get roles. In the case of 80 for Brady, there is the glaring absence of an older non-white identifying woman in the group. Loretta Divine has managed to get in a few films as she has aged. However, I'm still longing to see an aged cast version of Waiting to Exhale (RIP Whitney).
Michele, thats such an important point. Even when older women do get roles, there’s still a hierarchy of visibility—who gets to age in the spotlight and who gets sidelined. I love that you mentioned Waiting to Exhale because an aged cast version would be incredible. There’s so much space for stories that reflect a broader spectrum of women’s experiences as they age, but Hollywood still clings to the same familiar faces. Loretta Devine is a gem, but we need more.
More thoughtful nuggets to chew on. Every time I read one of your essays, I am blown away by your quiet, thoughtful...no, intentional way of expressing your beliefs...your becoming. It encourages your readers to reach beyond where they are.
Nancy, that means so much—thank you. I always hope my words spark something, even if just a small shift in perspective. We’re all in this process of becoming, and I’m grateful to share that space with others who are reaching beyond where they are, too.
Thank you for sharing this thought-provoking piece. You raise some beautiful questions.
I’m from the generation that was the first to be left at daycare as our mothers gained the freedom to go out to work. Or, rather, the world needed them to work, and women’s liberation was a movement conveniently designed to get them out of the house to work. This left the state free to influence children from a younger age and destabilised the self-confidence and assurance that comes with being nurtured by a mother in the early years.
For years, we have all followed the narrative that this was amazing. The unspoken part of the truth is that they left us to go out and be underpaid, sidelined and miserable doing low-skilled jobs. It was quite a slap in the face. One hopes that if your mother leaves you, it is for something exceptional and vital. We vowed to do it differently.
Children are very loyal to both parents. Mothers have a different connection created in utero. If they suffer, then secretly, we believe we must suffer, too. This has been going on for generations and is perpetuated by repetition. Each generation feels compelled to repeat the narrative and face the same struggles to ensure a right to belong.
It is easy to blame men or society for things being the way they are now and conveniently forget that we are all part of society and that every man has a mother who is a woman. Mothers have a significant degree of influence over their children, yet the story remains the same—or does it?
It is possible to change the narrative. When we do we discover an alternate world exists. We see the world through the filter of our beliefs, and the world obligingly confirms what we have chosen to believe.
Thank you for this very thoughtful piece Salwa. It’s that unspoken sense of shock and awe that gets me. “You mean women can still do this? At this age?” Like we’re expected to curl up and wither as we get older. I’m in my late 50’s and certifying as a counsellor. I have every intention of taking space and growing older disgracefully. Of disgracefully means continuing to be curious, always ready to learn and refusing to go “quietly into the night”
Funmi, i love this so much! The idea that we’re supposed to shrink with age is one of the biggest lies we’ve been sold. But here you are—proving that growth, curiosity, and taking up space don’t have an expiration date. Wishing you all the best on your journey as a counselor. The world needs more voices like yours!
Thank you. I’m also doing it because we’ve been sold the story that we have to go to school, get a job, work it for 30 years and then, maybe then, we can get to do the things that feed our souls. Someone once quoted a poem to me that had the line “all who wander are not lost”. I’ve never had a ‘career’ plan. And for a long time, I thought that made me less than. When I look back on my life now, I see that it was a path that has led me to where I’m meant to be. I’ve been an administrator, a lawyer, a policy maker, a trainer, a life coach and now becoming a counsellor. Each one of those activities, giving me a piece of what I need now to become who I’ve always wanted to be.
I love this, Salwa, and I was talking about this - not Demi - but this topic the other day with another woman writer who said, women do it to women as much as men do it to women. Which is sad.
Janice, thank you! And yes, that’s such an important point. It’s not just men who reinforce this—women do, too, often without realising it. The expectations, the quiet judgments, the idea that there’s a “right” way to age… it’s so ingrained. But conversations like these help challenge that. Glad you’re having these discussions too!
The “you can do anything at any age” narrative often feels like a feel-good band-aid over a deeper issue - systemic biases that make success harder to achieve for certain groups in the first place.
Yes, exactly. The “you can do anything at any age” message is nice, but it ignores the real barriers—bias, access, opportunities—that make it harder for some people to thrive. It’s not just about willpower; it’s about the systems that decide who gets to keep going and who gets quietly pushed aside.
Well said! 👏👏👏👏
Thank you Lily
Love your quiet revolution 🙏🏽💚, thank you for your insight and brooding my perspective.
Thank you! That means a lot. I love the idea of a quiet revolution—sometimes the most powerful shifts happen in the subtle, unspoken moments. Grateful this piece broadened your perspective! 💚
That is such an empowering writing, age should not make a difference to their worth. Definitely worth the read.. A brilliant piece. Age is not a failure more experiences should be glorified.
Thank you so much! I couldn’t agree more—age isn’t a failure, it’s a richness of experience that should be valued, not diminished. There’s so much power in embracing every stage of life fully. I’m glad this piece resonated with you!
Good reading from good thoughts.
Thank you Larry
Well said 💞
Thank you
Thanks Salwa. While reading, I also thought about the film 80 for Brady starring Moreno, Fonda, Field, Tomlin. These seem to be the go-to older white female actors. So there's also this hierarchy of which older women are seen, when they do get roles. In the case of 80 for Brady, there is the glaring absence of an older non-white identifying woman in the group. Loretta Divine has managed to get in a few films as she has aged. However, I'm still longing to see an aged cast version of Waiting to Exhale (RIP Whitney).
Michele, thats such an important point. Even when older women do get roles, there’s still a hierarchy of visibility—who gets to age in the spotlight and who gets sidelined. I love that you mentioned Waiting to Exhale because an aged cast version would be incredible. There’s so much space for stories that reflect a broader spectrum of women’s experiences as they age, but Hollywood still clings to the same familiar faces. Loretta Devine is a gem, but we need more.
More thoughtful nuggets to chew on. Every time I read one of your essays, I am blown away by your quiet, thoughtful...no, intentional way of expressing your beliefs...your becoming. It encourages your readers to reach beyond where they are.
Nancy, that means so much—thank you. I always hope my words spark something, even if just a small shift in perspective. We’re all in this process of becoming, and I’m grateful to share that space with others who are reaching beyond where they are, too.
Thank you for sharing this thought-provoking piece. You raise some beautiful questions.
I’m from the generation that was the first to be left at daycare as our mothers gained the freedom to go out to work. Or, rather, the world needed them to work, and women’s liberation was a movement conveniently designed to get them out of the house to work. This left the state free to influence children from a younger age and destabilised the self-confidence and assurance that comes with being nurtured by a mother in the early years.
For years, we have all followed the narrative that this was amazing. The unspoken part of the truth is that they left us to go out and be underpaid, sidelined and miserable doing low-skilled jobs. It was quite a slap in the face. One hopes that if your mother leaves you, it is for something exceptional and vital. We vowed to do it differently.
Children are very loyal to both parents. Mothers have a different connection created in utero. If they suffer, then secretly, we believe we must suffer, too. This has been going on for generations and is perpetuated by repetition. Each generation feels compelled to repeat the narrative and face the same struggles to ensure a right to belong.
It is easy to blame men or society for things being the way they are now and conveniently forget that we are all part of society and that every man has a mother who is a woman. Mothers have a significant degree of influence over their children, yet the story remains the same—or does it?
It is possible to change the narrative. When we do we discover an alternate world exists. We see the world through the filter of our beliefs, and the world obligingly confirms what we have chosen to believe.