Kindness Is a Choice, Not a Default

The Power of Kindness When Paired with Boundaries and Awareness

A Candle and a Protective Glass

I came across a note the other day by

Adam PT

that stopped me in my tracks. It wasn’t one of those feel-good quotes about how kindness is the answer to everything. Quite the opposite, actually. It read:

“You can go very wrong with kindness. Kindness, in the wrong circumstances, can cost you dearly—your safety, your sanity, or even your life. Kindness is only a virtue if you have the capacity and the ferocity to make it clear that your kindness is a choice, not a default position.”

At first, it unsettled me. I’ve always believed in the power of kindness—that it has the ability to bridge gaps, heal wounds, and create a ripple of goodness in a chaotic world. But the more I sat with it, the more I realised that the writer was right.

Kindness, without awareness, without boundaries, can indeed cost you dearly.

The Fantasy of Endless Kindness

We’re often taught that kindness is a universal solution. Be kind, and people will be kind in return. It’s a comforting narrative, but it’s not always true.

There are situations where kindness can leave you vulnerable. Moments when people might see your kindness as weakness, as something to exploit. I’ve learned this firsthand—kindness doesn’t always guarantee kindness in return. And yet, I’ve never been able to turn my back on it.

The truth is, kindness isn’t a blanket you throw over every situation. It’s a nuanced, deliberate act. It has to coexist with strength, with discernment, and with the understanding that it won’t always be reciprocated.

Kindness is a Choice

What struck me most about what

Adam PT

said was the phrase “Kindness is only a virtue if it’s a choice, not a default position.”

For kindness to truly matter, it has to come from a place of intention. It’s not about being a people-pleaser or bending over backward to make everyone happy. It’s about consciously deciding to offer compassion, even when it’s difficult, but also knowing when to hold your ground.

Boundaries are what keep kindness sustainable. Without them, kindness can turn into self-sacrifice. And the moment it starts to harm your well-being, it stops being a gift—it becomes a burden.

The Strength in Saying No

I’ve always struggled with saying no. For a long time, I thought kindness meant saying yes to everything—helping even when I was exhausted, giving even when I had nothing left. But over time, I realised that saying no can be one of the kindest things you do—for yourself and for others.

Kindness without boundaries can leave you drained, resentful, and even unsafe. But kindness paired with strength? That’s where its real power lies.

Choosing Kindness in a Harsh World

There’s another layer to this: choosing kindness in a world that doesn’t always reward it. It’s not easy to stay kind when people hurt you or take advantage of your generosity. But I’ve learned that kindness doesn’t mean being naive. It means showing compassion while being clear about your limits.

It also means recognising that sometimes the kindest thing you can do is protect yourself. There’s no shame in walking away from people or situations that harm you. Your well-being matters, too.

A Kindness with Teeth

The kind of kindness I believe in now isn’t soft or passive. It’s not about people-pleasing or shrinking yourself for the sake of others. It’s a kindness that’s deliberate and strong, rooted in self-respect.

Kindness with boundaries doesn’t mean you stop caring. It means you care about yourself just as much as you care about others. It means you can offer love, compassion, and empathy while making it clear that your kindness is a gift—not an obligation.

What I Hope You’ll Remember

I still believe in kindness. I believe it can heal wounds, connect us, and make the world a better place. But I’ve also learned that kindness must come with discernment. It’s not about giving endlessly—it’s about giving wisely.

So here’s what I want to leave you with:

Be kind, but don’t let it come at the cost of your safety or sanity. Set boundaries. Be clear about your limits. And remember, your kindness is a choice, not a default.

That’s what makes it powerful.

With love,

Salwa

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