Once upon a time I was in a religion that said forgiveness was divine. I learned it's not. Now, I just ice people out. I stop reacting. I am indifferent. I move on. I remember. But I don't dwell.
"I don't wish him well. I don't wish him harm. I just don't wish him anything." This is exactly what I've said after finally walking away. Even after he reached out a year ago I took my silence as a form of forgiveness. This, however directly aligns with where I am coming from. Indifference is where I am at, because too much happened for me to simply forgive.
The other platitude I’ve heard since childhood was “forgive & forget!”, and the conflict within that notion confused me then as it does today! I’ve struggled with the notion through the demise of THREE abusive marriages. While I no longer wish them harm, as the rawness has healed, I do wish them karma, and I’ve seen it LAND! I’m a witness to that and not a cheerleader. In that healed part of myself, I can have compassion. Whether that is forgiveness or not, doesn’t matter. It is no longer mine to carry, chapter over, book closed! The rest is between their god and themselves. Walk on, woman! And rock those little black sandles while you do it❣️❣️❣️
You know what really burns me, Salwa? That people like you and I have to work so hard to figure out that forgiveness is a farce. What a shame, what an obstacle. This whole piece reflects exactly my feelings. As you say, knowing why someone hurt you doesn’t take away the damage.
The damage that my children’s mother did in stealing their innocence and their trust by trying to hoard their loyalty exclusively for herself…
I may understand that she is a wounded and broken person with unknown childhood trauma, or perhaps just a personality disorder, but I still hold her 100% responsible for sabotaging the relationship between her children and their father. That destruction is something that I have not been able to repair because it has gone too deep.
But do I hate her? No. She’s nothing. Just another confused human being on this planet.
The key point, like you say, is that I’m not saying, “It’s OK that you did that.”Of course it’s not OK! But I’m also not burning with a desire for revenge. I understand that her small heart, her fears, her inability to love and share, are not her fault per se. They are consequences of something beyond her control. It’s a shame, but it’s what is.
Thank you for saying all this, Salwa. It makes me feel less alone.
Parental alienation syndrome is real. It damaged my husband’s life and in turn damaged mine. How it so often affects men is something we need to shine more light on. Best wishes to you
Thank you very much, Annie, I always appreciate the empathy and validation, and I'm sorry for you and your husband. Please share more if you like.
I wrote an essay about my situation, which I will share here, not to promote my blog, only because maybe you or your husband would appreciate reading someone else's story. Especially the part where it's so hard for a man especially, to defend himself without sounding bitter and accusatory.
Wow. That was absolutely incredible and so spot on that I had to read it twice. Your words always seem to bring a clarity to me that I didn’t know I needed. Thank you for being you and sharing yourself with us.
Salwa...this post touched me in such a profound way. I almost took my life (more than once) because I heard the forgiveness thing so many times. I have Complex PTSD and the flashbacks to me meant that I was the problem. The problem being I was unforgiving. I carried this for decades (I'm 66).
It took so long to heal but I AM HEALING. Why? because I was finally able to look at the ugly truth of it all and accept that my abusers will never change. I was able to find a therapist who could sit with me in my pain. Someone who NEVER once offered the types of mindless comments the general public makes, INCLUDING friends.
From scapegoat to EScaped goat to FIERCE GOAT! I am finally free! and I don't owe them anything!
In so many ways I think you have described what forgiveness is when actual transactional forgiveness is not possible because the offender is dead or unwilling to truly participate. You give the whole thing to God and move on in freedom from responsibility to make transactional forgiveness happen. You stop letting it or people’s warped views about what kinds of forgivenesses there are control your mind or mood or actions. Thank you for what you have shared. I’m sure it has helped many.
Thank you for this . So many women are caught in this societal trap and I found other women to be the biggest enforcers of this myth. We so fear anger in this society, especially women's anger. There is a big big difference between being angry and being hateful towards another
You have hit the nail on the head here. Forgiveness in our modern context has become this lethargic "I mean, he did some bad things to me but I'll be OK, so I should forgive him so I can heal" instead of acknowledging letting go of the attachment without excusing the actual harm or sweeping it under the rug. Forgiveness that's transactional Doesn't feel right. Without you being accountable to me for what you actually did to me, how can I forgive you? You won't state something I even CAN forgive.
This totally resonates with me Salwa. 25 years later, l can't forgive him either. For taking my money and losing me my home and lying and gaslighting me and cheating on me and almost destroying my sanity which had an effect on my relationship with my daughter which years later took therapy for both of to be able to repair the damage caused. I've heard all the platitudes about forgiveness like you, but sometimes things are too massive to forgive and the harm caused is still there inside you years later. 'The body keeps the score' I have just read the other comments and am glad that I'm not alone in feeling this. I think Salwa you have opened Pandora's box here and allowed many of us to admit what we are not supposed to.
For me like you, forgiveness is handing it over to God & saying I'm done. I don't hold any part of him anymore I live my life free. I have found a me I never believed I could be. God is good He takes the burden of judgement on that man not me.
This feels very true for me too. I resisted the forgiveness narrative of my religion, partly because I’d seen it used in too many situations to silence women and keep them from seeking justice.
A couple of weeks ago, at my daughter’s university graduation, I spent time with my ex for the first time in years, and was pleased to discover just how indifferent I felt toward him. Nothing he said triggered me anymore and I wasn’t even willing to expend energy on asking polite questions about his life now. The book is closed and on the shelf.
I agree. People talk about forgiveness as if it just took a minor act of will. What you can do is make the other person less important in your mind, & that's it.
I completely get this. I was so angry at my mother and stepfather for their abuse of me, for a long time. That anger is what enabled me to free myself from them and stay away for my own peace of mind, despite most people telling me I should just put up with it as they’re my family.
Treating a child like they did is unforgivable. But I have come to a place of more understanding and in place of the anger that I needed, as it was justified and the fuel to leave, I too feel indifferent now. Because what she does, says and thinks about me (he died earlier this year) no longer has any bearing on my life. Here’s to us both for our strength and the love that we always had inside. 💙
Once upon a time I was in a religion that said forgiveness was divine. I learned it's not. Now, I just ice people out. I stop reacting. I am indifferent. I move on. I remember. But I don't dwell.
Thank you for your words.
I remember but will never forget.
"I don't wish him well. I don't wish him harm. I just don't wish him anything." This is exactly what I've said after finally walking away. Even after he reached out a year ago I took my silence as a form of forgiveness. This, however directly aligns with where I am coming from. Indifference is where I am at, because too much happened for me to simply forgive.
The other platitude I’ve heard since childhood was “forgive & forget!”, and the conflict within that notion confused me then as it does today! I’ve struggled with the notion through the demise of THREE abusive marriages. While I no longer wish them harm, as the rawness has healed, I do wish them karma, and I’ve seen it LAND! I’m a witness to that and not a cheerleader. In that healed part of myself, I can have compassion. Whether that is forgiveness or not, doesn’t matter. It is no longer mine to carry, chapter over, book closed! The rest is between their god and themselves. Walk on, woman! And rock those little black sandles while you do it❣️❣️❣️
You know what really burns me, Salwa? That people like you and I have to work so hard to figure out that forgiveness is a farce. What a shame, what an obstacle. This whole piece reflects exactly my feelings. As you say, knowing why someone hurt you doesn’t take away the damage.
The damage that my children’s mother did in stealing their innocence and their trust by trying to hoard their loyalty exclusively for herself…
I may understand that she is a wounded and broken person with unknown childhood trauma, or perhaps just a personality disorder, but I still hold her 100% responsible for sabotaging the relationship between her children and their father. That destruction is something that I have not been able to repair because it has gone too deep.
But do I hate her? No. She’s nothing. Just another confused human being on this planet.
The key point, like you say, is that I’m not saying, “It’s OK that you did that.”Of course it’s not OK! But I’m also not burning with a desire for revenge. I understand that her small heart, her fears, her inability to love and share, are not her fault per se. They are consequences of something beyond her control. It’s a shame, but it’s what is.
Thank you for saying all this, Salwa. It makes me feel less alone.
Parental alienation syndrome is real. It damaged my husband’s life and in turn damaged mine. How it so often affects men is something we need to shine more light on. Best wishes to you
Thank you very much, Annie, I always appreciate the empathy and validation, and I'm sorry for you and your husband. Please share more if you like.
I wrote an essay about my situation, which I will share here, not to promote my blog, only because maybe you or your husband would appreciate reading someone else's story. Especially the part where it's so hard for a man especially, to defend himself without sounding bitter and accusatory.
https://donboivin.substack.com/p/i-blew-my-chance-to-be-a-good-father?r=2ywgky
Great post and brave vulnerability.
Wow. That was absolutely incredible and so spot on that I had to read it twice. Your words always seem to bring a clarity to me that I didn’t know I needed. Thank you for being you and sharing yourself with us.
Agree
I read your brilliant piece as saying “I will not be coerced into forgiveness as proof of my healing.”
It sounds like you’re done carrying what was never yours to carry in the first place.
People can call that whatever they want. To me it sounds like healing.
yes
Salwa...this post touched me in such a profound way. I almost took my life (more than once) because I heard the forgiveness thing so many times. I have Complex PTSD and the flashbacks to me meant that I was the problem. The problem being I was unforgiving. I carried this for decades (I'm 66).
It took so long to heal but I AM HEALING. Why? because I was finally able to look at the ugly truth of it all and accept that my abusers will never change. I was able to find a therapist who could sit with me in my pain. Someone who NEVER once offered the types of mindless comments the general public makes, INCLUDING friends.
From scapegoat to EScaped goat to FIERCE GOAT! I am finally free! and I don't owe them anything!
In so many ways I think you have described what forgiveness is when actual transactional forgiveness is not possible because the offender is dead or unwilling to truly participate. You give the whole thing to God and move on in freedom from responsibility to make transactional forgiveness happen. You stop letting it or people’s warped views about what kinds of forgivenesses there are control your mind or mood or actions. Thank you for what you have shared. I’m sure it has helped many.
Thank you for this . So many women are caught in this societal trap and I found other women to be the biggest enforcers of this myth. We so fear anger in this society, especially women's anger. There is a big big difference between being angry and being hateful towards another
You have hit the nail on the head here. Forgiveness in our modern context has become this lethargic "I mean, he did some bad things to me but I'll be OK, so I should forgive him so I can heal" instead of acknowledging letting go of the attachment without excusing the actual harm or sweeping it under the rug. Forgiveness that's transactional Doesn't feel right. Without you being accountable to me for what you actually did to me, how can I forgive you? You won't state something I even CAN forgive.
This totally resonates with me Salwa. 25 years later, l can't forgive him either. For taking my money and losing me my home and lying and gaslighting me and cheating on me and almost destroying my sanity which had an effect on my relationship with my daughter which years later took therapy for both of to be able to repair the damage caused. I've heard all the platitudes about forgiveness like you, but sometimes things are too massive to forgive and the harm caused is still there inside you years later. 'The body keeps the score' I have just read the other comments and am glad that I'm not alone in feeling this. I think Salwa you have opened Pandora's box here and allowed many of us to admit what we are not supposed to.
Triple high five. Sounds like blooming self love
Awesome post.
My experience is similar. What a relief on all levels.
For me like you, forgiveness is handing it over to God & saying I'm done. I don't hold any part of him anymore I live my life free. I have found a me I never believed I could be. God is good He takes the burden of judgement on that man not me.
Oh my goodness woman, this is insanely wonderful. Thank you for your words and your heart.💖
This feels very true for me too. I resisted the forgiveness narrative of my religion, partly because I’d seen it used in too many situations to silence women and keep them from seeking justice.
A couple of weeks ago, at my daughter’s university graduation, I spent time with my ex for the first time in years, and was pleased to discover just how indifferent I felt toward him. Nothing he said triggered me anymore and I wasn’t even willing to expend energy on asking polite questions about his life now. The book is closed and on the shelf.
I agree. People talk about forgiveness as if it just took a minor act of will. What you can do is make the other person less important in your mind, & that's it.
I completely get this. I was so angry at my mother and stepfather for their abuse of me, for a long time. That anger is what enabled me to free myself from them and stay away for my own peace of mind, despite most people telling me I should just put up with it as they’re my family.
Treating a child like they did is unforgivable. But I have come to a place of more understanding and in place of the anger that I needed, as it was justified and the fuel to leave, I too feel indifferent now. Because what she does, says and thinks about me (he died earlier this year) no longer has any bearing on my life. Here’s to us both for our strength and the love that we always had inside. 💙