Salwa, you do sound rightfully pissed but also very tired to me. Tired of being treated less than. Tired of not wanting to waste your precious energy on people who only want to take, criticize or intimidate you. Tired of people who think they understand your life when they have not a single clue despite reading your posts.
Makes me exhausted thinking about how men get to move through life so unaware of the consequences of their actions. They get to simply be while women get to accommodate. And we are asked why are we being so unpleasant when we point out these differences……..hello, try being a woman in this very male dominated world and you might just be amazed at the casual abuse and disrespect shoveled at us for simply being a woman trying to make a life.
You absolutely nailed it Molly. "Men get to simply be while women get to accommodate".....that is exactly the entire rigged setup in a single sentence. It’s exactly why the anger eventually just turns into this heavy, bone-deep fatigue. You just get so tired of managing it all. Thank you so much for reading and actually getting it. Sending love right back.
Never ever soften your rage. accept it, show it, use it. I was reading an exchange, I think on Facebook where it was related that a study had been done with rapists and murderers who were shown pictures of women, in all sorts of attire, including those items that you listed as being blamed for why they got raped. And those criminals selected various women from the choices that included women dressed 'provocatively' and those that weren't, and didn't select other women who were also dressed 'provocatively' and those who weren't. And when asked what the difference was, universally the answer was that the ones they picked were the ones they expected the least resistance from. I know that women are trained by expectation to be kind, and understanding and sensitive, and all that other bullshit, and men are trained to be tough and uncaring by expectation, but you go out there and own that anger and rage, and show it to the assholes who treat you without the respect that you deserve.
Keith, thank you for this! I’m definitely not softening the anger anytime soon. It’s funny you mention that study.....someone else just brought it up too! It makes total sense that they calculate who looks like the 'easiest' target. But that was exactly my point, the idea that I now need to actively 'show' my rage and project resistance just to be left alone feels like... exactly the trap I'm talking about. I don't want to have to perform psychological warfare or put on armour just to go to Tesco. I just want them to stop acting feral in the first place. But I really appreciate you being here and validating the anger!
I understand exactly what you mean. Unfortunately women and men, girls and boys all need to wear some form of armor, whether it is the anger of the righteous and put upon or the self-confidence of the don't mess with me, the bullies world, both male and female need to see that messing with you will be more trouble than it is worth.
Are you familiar with umbrella fencing or cane fu? You don't have to use them to walk with you can just carry them and "know" how to use them. The confidence is palpable. Just a thought.
I love the honesty, Salwa, and I love the rage. You should be angry. You shouldn't have to walk with your head down so nobody notices you. And I love that you're raising your boys to be aware and respectful. I'm raising a girl. And I still have to teach her to keep her eyes open, walk tall, and be prepared to defend herself. So, I'm absorbing your words from a few different angles. Thank you for speaking the truth so many are afraid to speak of (or are in denial of).
I would call you resilient, but only because you’ve survived a whole pile of shit yet keep on going. You have goals, you have dreams, you’re pursuing your education. You are raising your children. So if I’ve ever used the word resilient, it really is out of respect. Because you’re resilience leads to love. Love for your children. Love for your readers. Love of your life.
Not everyone is as capable.
But beyond that, I truly appreciate and respect your ability to put perspective to all the garbage women are forced to live with.
Anger is a legitimate emotion. Women are taught not to be angry, not to show anger, not to let anger fester, to just let it go.
And I am calling bullshit. I’m 62 years old. I’m out of fucks to give and I respect anger.
I am extremely uncomfortable, we should all be! The "rules"? They stink because most bend them, break them, invent them to pretend we're protecting women/blacks/children/immigrants or ignore them altogether. Creating them is privileged because we're really just saying "sorry, we want it to be your fault."
Yes, it sucks, and thank you for saying it plainly and honestly. Screw the people who can't handle it...they're just showing themselves as being part of the problem. I wish that, when I was younger, I'd had the same freedom from caring what the rules are and what other people think as i now have in my 60s. I might have been able to give some of those clowns the balls-kicking they deserved! Hang in there, and remember that you are fighting the problem by raising your own caring boys. 😊♥️
A lot of men are just absolutely vile. I stopped running after two men in a white van (seems being a misogynist is a prerequisite for driving a white van) threw a drinks can at me while I was just running on the pavement. I've experienced so many things like that. I do think dads should be held as responsible for parenting the future generations of men though. I have two young boys and I'm trying my best. Their dad only sees them once a fortnight and that will have an impact on them which I can't really control. The fact that I've been left doing everything while their dad does nothing will send them a message about women which I have no way of mitigating. I'm sorry that happened to you x
It’s sad that when women rage back they are called hysterical or demented or “it’s that time of the month” or they didn’t take their “happy pills”. Getting in someone’s face with my rage is unladylike-like. Some guy being the alpha male is entitled to his feelings. Who ever decided this was the way it should be needs a swift kick in the ass.
Oh my life!! There are no words apart from Im sorry that happenedto you. I am sick of stories like this, when will women be able to walk around this country without fear?
For years I've said I want to come back as a man in my next life because being a woman completely SUCKS in this one. But maybe it would be better if I come back as a woman who has lots of male children and raises them to be decent human beings!
I wasn't blessed with boys this go-round; have two adult daughters. I'm the oldest daughter-of an oldest daughter who gave birth to an oldest daughter who also had a daughter. So the female line continues with 4 generations while shit never changes <sigh>.
My heart breaks that you have to endure such abuse. You are absolutely right that it is not your responsibility to learn or grow or be resistant when receiving someone else’s entitled behavior. It’s time to stop teaching boys that can do anything and get away with it because they are of the male persuasion
Ugh, that's disgusting! I'm so sorry, Salwa. It's such a violation to be spit on -- someone's bacteria-ridden goober hurled at you?! Gross! About 30 years ago, a woman spit on me at a museum. I'm almost certain she was dealing with serious mental illness but, still, I felt extremely violated. I ran to the bathroom and cleaned myself off and tried to remain "normal" while at the museum (on a date no less!) but I felt for shaken for weeks afterwards. Sending peace & calm vibes your way 🫂
Hey Salwa! Thanks for being so honest, showing us how pissed you are, how deeply exhausted and how this makes your whole world go topsy-turvy because it is just unbelievable how we in 2026 still even have to have those conversations!!!! And aided and abetted by F.... women!
What strikes me in your post is that I can't really feel your anger - another reader described it as "pissed", but I cannot (yet) feel that red-hot-burning rage in your words (but I'm not an English native speaker, so that might play its part...).
And the second thing shocking me is that apparently there is a checklist???? Look down, look on your phone, make yourself smaller, disappear into the pavement? To me that sounds like disappearing and making those vile assholes picking you out as the best next target!
I'm not saying this was your fault - but I'm shocked that this is the "advice" women get not to draw attention. Namely because it is diametrically opposed to what studies have proven, apparently. I liked this article very much, and it conforms with my personal experience: https://substack.com/home/post/p-202432497 If I walk alone, in a strange city, especially at night, even if I'm on my phone (or do as if), I'm having the phone on my ear, walking erect, looking around proudly, with firm steps. From that article (written by a woman who was exactly as exhausted as you are right now), I retained that the next time something should happen, I would go crazy and shouting at these men, and really open my eyes until they can see the whites... because crazy they don't know how to deal with, as it is not culturally expected of women, and that scares them.
For now I just hope that you can get support for this heavy time you are going through. Holding you in my heart.
Thanks for reading! Just to clarify, I don't walk around in fear—the checklist isn't terror, it's just the annoying background autopilot of existing as a woman and the article you shared actually proves my exact point. Telling women to avoid having "shorter gaits" and instead start "lunging, flailing" or using "crazy eyes" is literally just another checklist. Whether we are told to shrink down to stay safe or "act generally unhinged" to scare men off, the burden is still entirely on us to manage their feral behaviour. That’s exactly the setup I'm sick of
Yes, I totally get that. That it is the same reversal of responsibility when talking about rape, as you mentioned.
The thing for me is, the setup is sick. And it is - currently - what it is. And we can only take care of our contribution to that current system, namely by raising our sons differently, keeping in close contacts with our teenagers when they start using social media etc.
And for me, part of it is also walking around as the equal human being I am to any man I encounter. To me that is not a checklist but just a reflection of who I am as a human being and therefore I walk around proud with my head held high etc.
I've been pickpocketed (okay, that's something different, but comparable in that it involved men accosting me) twice, and that was when I was in a vulnerable position - once when I had my little baby in the sling and waited to board a train, and once when I was taking the tube when I was still recovering from a concussion and was walking around „dazed“. These men faultlessly captured that vulnerability and moved in on me. Therefore I still think that walking around proud, taking your space is the best protection we have in this moment in time where there are sick men walking around.
Part of why I’m writing this comment with so much heart is also that I recognize the part of being in pain about what was done to me and feeling trapped and unable to get out of the corner, and that feels so terribly helpless. Luckily I don’t have that feeling when walking around on the street, but from the other situations I was/am in, I know how much better it feels to have agency and act. And this is what I wish for you, that you can act and if your boundaries and dignity are so grossly violated, that you can feel that white-burning anger which is there to destroy and really go for it.
And also, I’m not in your body, so if this is not helpful, just forget it.
Salwa, you do sound rightfully pissed but also very tired to me. Tired of being treated less than. Tired of not wanting to waste your precious energy on people who only want to take, criticize or intimidate you. Tired of people who think they understand your life when they have not a single clue despite reading your posts.
Makes me exhausted thinking about how men get to move through life so unaware of the consequences of their actions. They get to simply be while women get to accommodate. And we are asked why are we being so unpleasant when we point out these differences……..hello, try being a woman in this very male dominated world and you might just be amazed at the casual abuse and disrespect shoveled at us for simply being a woman trying to make a life.
Sending love to you. 💕
You absolutely nailed it Molly. "Men get to simply be while women get to accommodate".....that is exactly the entire rigged setup in a single sentence. It’s exactly why the anger eventually just turns into this heavy, bone-deep fatigue. You just get so tired of managing it all. Thank you so much for reading and actually getting it. Sending love right back.
Never ever soften your rage. accept it, show it, use it. I was reading an exchange, I think on Facebook where it was related that a study had been done with rapists and murderers who were shown pictures of women, in all sorts of attire, including those items that you listed as being blamed for why they got raped. And those criminals selected various women from the choices that included women dressed 'provocatively' and those that weren't, and didn't select other women who were also dressed 'provocatively' and those who weren't. And when asked what the difference was, universally the answer was that the ones they picked were the ones they expected the least resistance from. I know that women are trained by expectation to be kind, and understanding and sensitive, and all that other bullshit, and men are trained to be tough and uncaring by expectation, but you go out there and own that anger and rage, and show it to the assholes who treat you without the respect that you deserve.
Keith, thank you for this! I’m definitely not softening the anger anytime soon. It’s funny you mention that study.....someone else just brought it up too! It makes total sense that they calculate who looks like the 'easiest' target. But that was exactly my point, the idea that I now need to actively 'show' my rage and project resistance just to be left alone feels like... exactly the trap I'm talking about. I don't want to have to perform psychological warfare or put on armour just to go to Tesco. I just want them to stop acting feral in the first place. But I really appreciate you being here and validating the anger!
I understand exactly what you mean. Unfortunately women and men, girls and boys all need to wear some form of armor, whether it is the anger of the righteous and put upon or the self-confidence of the don't mess with me, the bullies world, both male and female need to see that messing with you will be more trouble than it is worth.
Are you familiar with umbrella fencing or cane fu? You don't have to use them to walk with you can just carry them and "know" how to use them. The confidence is palpable. Just a thought.
I love the honesty, Salwa, and I love the rage. You should be angry. You shouldn't have to walk with your head down so nobody notices you. And I love that you're raising your boys to be aware and respectful. I'm raising a girl. And I still have to teach her to keep her eyes open, walk tall, and be prepared to defend herself. So, I'm absorbing your words from a few different angles. Thank you for speaking the truth so many are afraid to speak of (or are in denial of).
I would call you resilient, but only because you’ve survived a whole pile of shit yet keep on going. You have goals, you have dreams, you’re pursuing your education. You are raising your children. So if I’ve ever used the word resilient, it really is out of respect. Because you’re resilience leads to love. Love for your children. Love for your readers. Love of your life.
Not everyone is as capable.
But beyond that, I truly appreciate and respect your ability to put perspective to all the garbage women are forced to live with.
Anger is a legitimate emotion. Women are taught not to be angry, not to show anger, not to let anger fester, to just let it go.
And I am calling bullshit. I’m 62 years old. I’m out of fucks to give and I respect anger.
Just harness it and use it wisely.
I am extremely uncomfortable, we should all be! The "rules"? They stink because most bend them, break them, invent them to pretend we're protecting women/blacks/children/immigrants or ignore them altogether. Creating them is privileged because we're really just saying "sorry, we want it to be your fault."
Yes, it sucks, and thank you for saying it plainly and honestly. Screw the people who can't handle it...they're just showing themselves as being part of the problem. I wish that, when I was younger, I'd had the same freedom from caring what the rules are and what other people think as i now have in my 60s. I might have been able to give some of those clowns the balls-kicking they deserved! Hang in there, and remember that you are fighting the problem by raising your own caring boys. 😊♥️
A lot of men are just absolutely vile. I stopped running after two men in a white van (seems being a misogynist is a prerequisite for driving a white van) threw a drinks can at me while I was just running on the pavement. I've experienced so many things like that. I do think dads should be held as responsible for parenting the future generations of men though. I have two young boys and I'm trying my best. Their dad only sees them once a fortnight and that will have an impact on them which I can't really control. The fact that I've been left doing everything while their dad does nothing will send them a message about women which I have no way of mitigating. I'm sorry that happened to you x
Thank you for your rage. And thank you for writing and thank you for sharing the absolute ick of this violation.
It’s sad that when women rage back they are called hysterical or demented or “it’s that time of the month” or they didn’t take their “happy pills”. Getting in someone’s face with my rage is unladylike-like. Some guy being the alpha male is entitled to his feelings. Who ever decided this was the way it should be needs a swift kick in the ass.
Oh my life!! There are no words apart from Im sorry that happenedto you. I am sick of stories like this, when will women be able to walk around this country without fear?
Sending love & prayers xx
I am Woman, hear me roar—1972 Helen Reddy. Salwa, your writing often brings this song to mind. Keep writing, keep roaring. Thank you.
For years I've said I want to come back as a man in my next life because being a woman completely SUCKS in this one. But maybe it would be better if I come back as a woman who has lots of male children and raises them to be decent human beings!
I wasn't blessed with boys this go-round; have two adult daughters. I'm the oldest daughter-of an oldest daughter who gave birth to an oldest daughter who also had a daughter. So the female line continues with 4 generations while shit never changes <sigh>.
as long as all of us call out the bad behaviour!
My heart breaks that you have to endure such abuse. You are absolutely right that it is not your responsibility to learn or grow or be resistant when receiving someone else’s entitled behavior. It’s time to stop teaching boys that can do anything and get away with it because they are of the male persuasion
Excellent point.
Ugh, that's disgusting! I'm so sorry, Salwa. It's such a violation to be spit on -- someone's bacteria-ridden goober hurled at you?! Gross! About 30 years ago, a woman spit on me at a museum. I'm almost certain she was dealing with serious mental illness but, still, I felt extremely violated. I ran to the bathroom and cleaned myself off and tried to remain "normal" while at the museum (on a date no less!) but I felt for shaken for weeks afterwards. Sending peace & calm vibes your way 🫂
Hey Salwa! Thanks for being so honest, showing us how pissed you are, how deeply exhausted and how this makes your whole world go topsy-turvy because it is just unbelievable how we in 2026 still even have to have those conversations!!!! And aided and abetted by F.... women!
What strikes me in your post is that I can't really feel your anger - another reader described it as "pissed", but I cannot (yet) feel that red-hot-burning rage in your words (but I'm not an English native speaker, so that might play its part...).
And the second thing shocking me is that apparently there is a checklist???? Look down, look on your phone, make yourself smaller, disappear into the pavement? To me that sounds like disappearing and making those vile assholes picking you out as the best next target!
I'm not saying this was your fault - but I'm shocked that this is the "advice" women get not to draw attention. Namely because it is diametrically opposed to what studies have proven, apparently. I liked this article very much, and it conforms with my personal experience: https://substack.com/home/post/p-202432497 If I walk alone, in a strange city, especially at night, even if I'm on my phone (or do as if), I'm having the phone on my ear, walking erect, looking around proudly, with firm steps. From that article (written by a woman who was exactly as exhausted as you are right now), I retained that the next time something should happen, I would go crazy and shouting at these men, and really open my eyes until they can see the whites... because crazy they don't know how to deal with, as it is not culturally expected of women, and that scares them.
For now I just hope that you can get support for this heavy time you are going through. Holding you in my heart.
Thanks for reading! Just to clarify, I don't walk around in fear—the checklist isn't terror, it's just the annoying background autopilot of existing as a woman and the article you shared actually proves my exact point. Telling women to avoid having "shorter gaits" and instead start "lunging, flailing" or using "crazy eyes" is literally just another checklist. Whether we are told to shrink down to stay safe or "act generally unhinged" to scare men off, the burden is still entirely on us to manage their feral behaviour. That’s exactly the setup I'm sick of
Yes, I totally get that. That it is the same reversal of responsibility when talking about rape, as you mentioned.
The thing for me is, the setup is sick. And it is - currently - what it is. And we can only take care of our contribution to that current system, namely by raising our sons differently, keeping in close contacts with our teenagers when they start using social media etc.
And for me, part of it is also walking around as the equal human being I am to any man I encounter. To me that is not a checklist but just a reflection of who I am as a human being and therefore I walk around proud with my head held high etc.
I've been pickpocketed (okay, that's something different, but comparable in that it involved men accosting me) twice, and that was when I was in a vulnerable position - once when I had my little baby in the sling and waited to board a train, and once when I was taking the tube when I was still recovering from a concussion and was walking around „dazed“. These men faultlessly captured that vulnerability and moved in on me. Therefore I still think that walking around proud, taking your space is the best protection we have in this moment in time where there are sick men walking around.
Part of why I’m writing this comment with so much heart is also that I recognize the part of being in pain about what was done to me and feeling trapped and unable to get out of the corner, and that feels so terribly helpless. Luckily I don’t have that feeling when walking around on the street, but from the other situations I was/am in, I know how much better it feels to have agency and act. And this is what I wish for you, that you can act and if your boundaries and dignity are so grossly violated, that you can feel that white-burning anger which is there to destroy and really go for it.
And also, I’m not in your body, so if this is not helpful, just forget it.