Bravo Salwa! Half our exhaustion as women in this world is having to keep track of what men are going or not going to do - whether the action is good or bad or indifferent. We are constantly doing a threat assessment coupled with the plain old daily fatigue prioritizing everyone’s needs with our own generally on the bottom of the list. Expected to keep the peace at all costs! I often wonder what it must feel like to be like so many men in the world who safely walk the streets, have a partner/team/employees who will watch out for their needs, and get to say “yes” or “no”.
Christian, thanks for sharing all of this. No one should need to be afraid out in public or armed with a weapon to be safe at work, at home or out in the world. Violence should not be acceptable or tolerated in a sane society. Not to diminish what you have said here in any way, but I think the primary difference when it comes to discussions about violence toward men vs violence toward women is that rarely is there a sexual violence component when men are aggressive toward males but there is often a sexual violence component when men are aggressive toward women. If you are not a woman, you really cannot fully understand how that potential really impacts our lives every single minute of every single day.
Yup you’re NO ONE SHOULD ….. however things are always that nice. In today’s day and age …… it IS essentially ESSENTIAL !!! ……. Unless if you’re a black belt in tae kwon do 🥋 …… hahaha 🤣
Knife crime is a persistent blight in this country because men don't feel safe from other men. Once you've had your head kicked in once, you start carrying a weapon to protect yourself. The results of that are our awful knife crime statistics.
I used to work in a bar when I was 20. I took a break and went for some chips nearby. Two lads followed me into a street they knew wasnt covered by CCTV and jumped me. I fought back, but I learnt the hard way that its very difficult to take on 2 at once. That attack was unprovoked.
A year before that, I used to work in a shop that sold car repair parts. I refused to let a teen lad into the shop because he kept trying to steal spray paint. I was slashed across the arm with a craft knife for that. I rang the police and they knew the individual, but told me due to his age all that would happen is the lad would be held for a few hours, get a caution, and then would be out to get me along with his parents who were worse than he was.
A good pal of mine had his jaw broken in an unprovoked attack by a group of young men in broad daylight.
Even the police get in on it. I mate of mine was arrested for being lippy with police who pulled him for a stop and search. This mate had a very loose acquaintance with the chief of police and made the mistake of threatening the police with that. They dragged him into their van and gave him a beating, and arrested him for drunk and disorderly behaviour. I've known this guy for 30 years. He isnt a violent man. Cheeky yes, but not aggressive.
The male on male violent crime numbers are staggering. And that is just what gets reported. Like my example above, more crime doesnt get reported than does.
Im 6"1 and fit. I worked in prisons for over a decade. That hasn't stopped me being very wary of groups of lads/men on the street, on public transport or in bars etc.
Im not contradicting anything anyone has said here, I just want to say that men have to have their wits about them too.
"Let me know what you need me to do..." or, "How can I help?" Yes, you can... by never saying those words again and just taking take the damned drying rag out of my hands.
Oh Alastair! I just replied to your message about this! But honestly, you have more than paid the pavement this week. Please step away from the upgrade button! 😂 ❤️
Hell to the yes! My partner volunteered to “help” me with the dishes, and then started with the 50 questions about how to do the dishes, what soap I use, etc. I just did the dishes myself, because I didn’t have the energy to talk him through it. Then I was made to feel ungrateful for his kind offer. We have lived together for 20 years. I should not have to tell you how to wash dishes!
Strategic incompetence should not get him out of the task! My answer would either be “As a grownup you can figure it out” or “I guess you just need more practice”. But then you have to be willing to put up with an imperfect job. At least for the first while!
“He just made himself my trainee and forced me to be his eyes.”
This begins when the children are young and we run our legs off finding the “lost” toy or stuffy that is fully in plain sight and on to the teen years when they do that staring into the pantry thing unable to find food!
There are good men. Perhaps they're few and far between. Certainly the system favors men. Maybe they only appear when the women in thier lives cannot carry on anymore. But if you look long enough, you'll find a good man or two who is holding up what needs to be held up.
Well, Salwa I do ask my wife what she wants done first because she fires off a dozen things that have to be done and if I start doing one thing, she will tell me do something else. A lot of times I do things without prompting, laundry, trash out, walking dogs, etc. Because she is in a wheelchair after a stroke 4 years ago and there is no way she can do them. We have been married for 30 years and learned a long time ago how to balance responsibilities. Sometimes we have to adjust, like the stroke, but we adapt.
Love this piece. As a man, I don't refer to myself as "good." I strive every day to remain consistent in my practice of treating everyone with respect. Still, I also acknowledge that I am not perfect, and the systems in place have been designed for me as a man to thrive in, without having to worry about the same dangers women face. This is a brilliant piece to help the "good" guy foster a different viewpoint of what it really is to be a good man.
I read this post with a great deal of interest and empathy. As a single mother who raised two boys I decided to stay in the UK rather than going back to my home country in Europe because I wanted my sons to have a relationship with their father. I know how his own mother messed him up for not allowing contact with his own dad which he always regretted. At the moment I am trying to rebuild their image of me, as at least my eldest believes that I never had to say a good word about his dad. But guess who fostered that idea.
As a man approaching the end of life, I find it quite difficult to process this.
I cannot think of many friends who don’t have a balanced relationship with their partners.
So are the problems Salwa so clearly sets out a feature of youth? I certainly feel a lot of fear for my daughter and grandson. Society is enormously twisted and there is suffering on both sides although women around the world somehow deal with incomprehensible disadvantage and discrimination.
Then I think back to my own child rearing years. How I gave up work and my wife found a job. Because the traditional role of male breadwinner simply didn’t work for either of us. The result still had its tensions but both of us found it easier to cope.
Sorry I don’t have any real answers. Just trying to understand.
Bravo Salwa! Half our exhaustion as women in this world is having to keep track of what men are going or not going to do - whether the action is good or bad or indifferent. We are constantly doing a threat assessment coupled with the plain old daily fatigue prioritizing everyone’s needs with our own generally on the bottom of the list. Expected to keep the peace at all costs! I often wonder what it must feel like to be like so many men in the world who safely walk the streets, have a partner/team/employees who will watch out for their needs, and get to say “yes” or “no”.
Christian, thanks for sharing all of this. No one should need to be afraid out in public or armed with a weapon to be safe at work, at home or out in the world. Violence should not be acceptable or tolerated in a sane society. Not to diminish what you have said here in any way, but I think the primary difference when it comes to discussions about violence toward men vs violence toward women is that rarely is there a sexual violence component when men are aggressive toward males but there is often a sexual violence component when men are aggressive toward women. If you are not a woman, you really cannot fully understand how that potential really impacts our lives every single minute of every single day.
😞🙁
Yup you’re NO ONE SHOULD ….. however things are always that nice. In today’s day and age …… it IS essentially ESSENTIAL !!! ……. Unless if you’re a black belt in tae kwon do 🥋 …… hahaha 🤣
Knife crime is a persistent blight in this country because men don't feel safe from other men. Once you've had your head kicked in once, you start carrying a weapon to protect yourself. The results of that are our awful knife crime statistics.
I used to work in a bar when I was 20. I took a break and went for some chips nearby. Two lads followed me into a street they knew wasnt covered by CCTV and jumped me. I fought back, but I learnt the hard way that its very difficult to take on 2 at once. That attack was unprovoked.
A year before that, I used to work in a shop that sold car repair parts. I refused to let a teen lad into the shop because he kept trying to steal spray paint. I was slashed across the arm with a craft knife for that. I rang the police and they knew the individual, but told me due to his age all that would happen is the lad would be held for a few hours, get a caution, and then would be out to get me along with his parents who were worse than he was.
A good pal of mine had his jaw broken in an unprovoked attack by a group of young men in broad daylight.
Even the police get in on it. I mate of mine was arrested for being lippy with police who pulled him for a stop and search. This mate had a very loose acquaintance with the chief of police and made the mistake of threatening the police with that. They dragged him into their van and gave him a beating, and arrested him for drunk and disorderly behaviour. I've known this guy for 30 years. He isnt a violent man. Cheeky yes, but not aggressive.
The male on male violent crime numbers are staggering. And that is just what gets reported. Like my example above, more crime doesnt get reported than does.
Im 6"1 and fit. I worked in prisons for over a decade. That hasn't stopped me being very wary of groups of lads/men on the street, on public transport or in bars etc.
Im not contradicting anything anyone has said here, I just want to say that men have to have their wits about them too.
I hear you !
Take it E-Z, relax ……. No worries 😉
You are such a brilliant thinker and writer. Thank you for your voice.
"Let me know what you need me to do..." or, "How can I help?" Yes, you can... by never saying those words again and just taking take the damned drying rag out of my hands.
Thank you for saying it out loud!
Dear Pavement, We can’t upgrade to Rafiki 😳 it says something like “user already has a subscription” 😱🥹
Oh Alastair! I just replied to your message about this! But honestly, you have more than paid the pavement this week. Please step away from the upgrade button! 😂 ❤️
Hell to the yes! My partner volunteered to “help” me with the dishes, and then started with the 50 questions about how to do the dishes, what soap I use, etc. I just did the dishes myself, because I didn’t have the energy to talk him through it. Then I was made to feel ungrateful for his kind offer. We have lived together for 20 years. I should not have to tell you how to wash dishes!
Strategic incompetence should not get him out of the task! My answer would either be “As a grownup you can figure it out” or “I guess you just need more practice”. But then you have to be willing to put up with an imperfect job. At least for the first while!
This really resonated.
Being a good man isn't about having all the answers.
It's about choosing integrity, kindness, and responsibility, especially when no one is watching.
The world could always use more of that. ❤️
“He just made himself my trainee and forced me to be his eyes.”
This begins when the children are young and we run our legs off finding the “lost” toy or stuffy that is fully in plain sight and on to the teen years when they do that staring into the pantry thing unable to find food!
💜
There are good men. Perhaps they're few and far between. Certainly the system favors men. Maybe they only appear when the women in thier lives cannot carry on anymore. But if you look long enough, you'll find a good man or two who is holding up what needs to be held up.
You have given me a lot to think about, Salwa. Trying to disentangle myself from aeons of male privilege is not easy but I am trying.
Well, Salwa I do ask my wife what she wants done first because she fires off a dozen things that have to be done and if I start doing one thing, she will tell me do something else. A lot of times I do things without prompting, laundry, trash out, walking dogs, etc. Because she is in a wheelchair after a stroke 4 years ago and there is no way she can do them. We have been married for 30 years and learned a long time ago how to balance responsibilities. Sometimes we have to adjust, like the stroke, but we adapt.
Love this piece. As a man, I don't refer to myself as "good." I strive every day to remain consistent in my practice of treating everyone with respect. Still, I also acknowledge that I am not perfect, and the systems in place have been designed for me as a man to thrive in, without having to worry about the same dangers women face. This is a brilliant piece to help the "good" guy foster a different viewpoint of what it really is to be a good man.
This was fantastic. The feeling of being on the last shred of caring.
I am there myself. I've started saying 'that sounds like a you problem' and walk away. I can't look after adults anymore.
I 100% enjoyed the sass. More please.
I try to be a good person. I don't always make the mark. I'm not a man, either.
I read this post with a great deal of interest and empathy. As a single mother who raised two boys I decided to stay in the UK rather than going back to my home country in Europe because I wanted my sons to have a relationship with their father. I know how his own mother messed him up for not allowing contact with his own dad which he always regretted. At the moment I am trying to rebuild their image of me, as at least my eldest believes that I never had to say a good word about his dad. But guess who fostered that idea.
As a man approaching the end of life, I find it quite difficult to process this.
I cannot think of many friends who don’t have a balanced relationship with their partners.
So are the problems Salwa so clearly sets out a feature of youth? I certainly feel a lot of fear for my daughter and grandson. Society is enormously twisted and there is suffering on both sides although women around the world somehow deal with incomprehensible disadvantage and discrimination.
Then I think back to my own child rearing years. How I gave up work and my wife found a job. Because the traditional role of male breadwinner simply didn’t work for either of us. The result still had its tensions but both of us found it easier to cope.
Sorry I don’t have any real answers. Just trying to understand.
DEFINITELY NOT ABOUT ME !!! …. 😞😶🫣‼️
I have tried to subscribe at your required level, but it’s not letting me ! Why ?